When I started this blog I had a TON of energy around the idea. I was on a high, captivated by the strikingly beautiful stillness in the midst of a global pandemic. It's been exactly a month since I last posted. What happened to that sweet energy? What happened to the rush of excitement? The promise of consistency? Well, while my personal day-to-day looked very much the same, the outside world and my inside experience of it changed drastically. Coronavirus numbers continued to incline. Quarantine persisted. Zoom exhaustion. Social hunger. Touch deprivation. And then?... Complete and total social upheaval and unrest unfurled in the wake of the brutal murder of a black man named George Floyd. The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. The world watched as police brutality, while not new, became an astounding truth for every single American. The people finally roared “ENOUGH”.
While nothing that I’m experiencing can compare to the experiences of our black community members… my body was screaming in solidarity, ENOUGH. As a sensitive being, I was feeling all of the collective unrest, all of the hurt, sorrow, anger, the collective trauma in my body and in my heart. My consistency of practice started to fade. I started saying no to my daily writing, no to extreme diligence around practices. I said no to friend zooms, webinars, and anything else that did not feel nourishing to my body. No. No more. I’d had enough with all the doing. I needed to process my experience, to feel, to simply be.
I felt my energy drop, and knew it was necessary to take a break. I hit the pause button on my writing momentum - and that’s OK. Ok, to let myself feel. Ok, to let myself cry. Ok, to let myself breathe. Ok, to take time to process all that was going on. As a coach and leader, I'm “supposed” to set an example of consistency with practices, and yet, I let them fall away. Ok. I am still ok.
Here’s a dirty little secret most coaches / leaders don’t like to admit… I TOO am but mortal. I cannot do it all like Superwoman. I cannot experience the world in the state that it is in and just keep pushing. The truth is, my practices have never been perfectly consistent, and that’s ok. I do my best, I honor my energy - and that is more than ok, it's beautiful. When I fall off meditating consistently, or making my nutrient packed green smoothies, or miss a day of cardio, I give myself a lot of love and forgiveness for not being perfect. I remind myself that I am an ever-evolving human being, and what worked yesterday, might not be what works today. I listen deeply to what my heart desires, I listen deeply to the messages my body has to offer. I get very still. I funnel what energy I do have, into different kinds of self-care practices, ones that are much more instinctual and grounding. Sometimes my self-care practices look like watching a movie or tv show that brings an air of sweet nostalgia to a heavy time, or laying on the cold hardwood floor with the dog, or better yet indulging in one of my favorite foods from childhood.
Sidenote: My mom always loves telling the story of how I learned how to spell my first word, but I’m going to recount it for you this time… Growing up, my mom had many jobs. She was often too tired to cook anything after work, so a nearly nightly ritual was her asking my brothers and I what we wanted for dinner. We would list off ideas, but if anyone ever suggested pizza around me I would cry until I got my way (as does the baby of every family, right?!). So they started spelling it out, Chinese? Mexican? P-I-Z-Z-A? Overtime, I started to put two and two together and knew what they were spelling out. One day mom asked the question and I shouted “P-I-Z-Z-A” until we ordered my favorite food for dinner. While much has changed (including adding in a gluten intolerance), pizza is still my favorite food. I’ve found ways to work around my dietary needs and made some uber delicious pizzas over the last several weeks.
So you see... self-care sometimes looks like eating heavy grounding foods and bringing yourself back to life’s simple pleasures (for me, that’s making a GF mini pizza in the toaster oven and watching the cheese bubble). Sometimes, it looks like throwing your usual practices out the window for a day, or a few weeks, or maybe for good. Consistency isn’t everything… but honoring your precious energy and your own good sense IS THE WAY. As with all things, self-care starts with awareness. So I dare you to ask yourself in this moment, what do I really need? What does my heart desire? What is my body craving? Listen to that wisdom today and give yourself the gift of a simple pleasure.
I hope for just a moment amidst all the chaos, it makes you BE(auti)FULLY ALIVE.